2 Months Post Op

I can’t believe there are only 9 days left in February, which marks 2 months since my husband’s cyst removal or 1 1/2 months of waking up every morning and helping him shower and prepare his wound for the day. Clearly I love this man because not only was I extremely scared about doing something wrong, for fear of infection or causing him pain, but to maintain it every single day and see him starting to heal has been pretty rewarding. Keep in mind he has a gap in his butt cheek that did not start off pretty or smelling the best, but as he’s said multiple times – in sickness and in health! I apologize if a disturbing mental picture came to fruition after that brief description, but I can guarantee it’s far worse than what your mind conjured up.

Besides taking care of him, our days have consisted of working ridiculous hours every day and on the weekends to keep up with the grueling demands of our careers. I can say that thankfully I’ve been able to sleep a lot better these past few weeks, minus the few unsettling dreams about work or budgets. I can proudly say last week marked a monumental change in our family and sleep patterns. We finally bit the bullet and bought automatic feeders for our cats, which managed to keep Simba at bay until 6am instead of the usual 2/3 am! Now if only we could erase the monster I created formally known as Nala. I’ve been a loyal customer of TRESemme hairspray (the only brand that can keep my hair where it’s supposed to be!) for years now, and randomly filled the cap with water because she loves to drink water from our sink. Now her habit is to chase us into the bathroom, sit in the tub and squack at the faucet or even us until we play with her. What’s even worse is the fact that she refuses to let me sleep in on the weekend. She’s so determined to get us to play that she jumps in our bedroom window and paws at the wooden blinds, making an irritable sound only to drive her misophonic mother nuts! At least my husband is sleeping well through all of the chaos from our furry babies!

Speaking of babies, I know I can speak on behalf of a few other CF Wives when I say how defeated we feel these past few weeks. Friend after friend continues to post pictures of sonograms, their growing belly, nursery designs, baby shower gifts and announcing their new addition. It’s such a juxtapose because on one hand you are excited for their blessing, but you can’t help but feel some level of resentment considering the cards we’ve been dealt. I realize I never wrote about our appointment mid-January to the IVF specialist because it’s taken some time to recover from the sticker shock to create our family. Great news is I have “amazing ovaries,” however there are still no guarantees, especially when it comes to raising $20,000. Yes, you read that right, twenty-thousand dollars, and that all could be for naut. We have been praying that after my husband endures a painful $5,000 procedure , that there will be enough viable sperm to move forward.

Believe me, I’ve done extensive research and was having a one-on-one conversation with the IVF doctor to gauge our opportunities, or whatever was left of them. We would both feel more comfortable meeting with the top Urologist who specializes in male fertility to see if he can run any preliminary tests before we continue with the mental, physical, emotional and monetarily draining process known as in vitro fertilization. It’s utterly disappointing to now live in a fertility mandated state but realize that our companies do not cover any procedures. I’m at a crossroads of what we can do. Buying lottery tickets and praying for a miracle seems a bit far fetched, but at this point I will continue to stay as strong as I can possibly can. Would it make sense to find a job that offers coverage so we can start a family before going deeper in debt? Do we apply for numerous grants at the chance we can tug at heartstrings for assistance? So many questions and only time can tell what will be our best bet.

I yearn to be a mom and give my husband the once in and lifetime chance to be a dad. For now, I will live vicariously through those around me and enjoy our beautiful and funny nieces. I still might be pouty as I’m preparing shower gifts, upset at the numerous pictures on Facebook, jealous of all the cute ideas as they pop up on my pinterest feed, or get angry at Christina on Grey’s Anatomy for hating the idea of being a mom as she aborted Owen’s baby, but that’s only because I’m human. Maybe there’s comfort in that others yearn to find their soulmate, love of their life and best friend, while I sit here next to mine. Unconditional love is a beautiful thing and I know we will soon be able to feel that for our unborn child. I pray whatever you are yearning for as you read this comes your way as well, providing it’s legal and doesn’t harm others!

Breathe easy…



Posted on February 20, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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